The various sayings/quips that have appeared on the TawaLink main page over the past weeks and months

"A banker is someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." - Mark Twain

"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."

"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." - Erin Majors

"A centipede is an ant built to government specifications."

A certain school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything they say happens at home."

"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes."

"A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell."

"A clever man commits no minor blunders."

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."

"A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"A contented person is one who enjoys the scenery along the detour."

"A country that includes the word 'democratic' in its name generally isn't."

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."

"A critic is a legless man who teaches running." - Channing Pollock

"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."

"A fanatic is someone who is highly enthusiastic about something in which you are not even remotely interested."

"A father carries pictures where his money used to be."

"A fool isn't someone who is wrong, a fool is someone who is afraid of being wrong."

"A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked."

"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't."

"A good journalist is one who makes up a great story and then lures the truth towards it."

"A good lawyer will make you believe the truth, but a great lawyer will make you believe a lie."

"A good marriage is like a casserole. Only those responsible for it really know what goes into it."

"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw

"A great actor can bring tears to your eyes. But then, so can a car mechanic."

"A hen is the only thing that can lay around and produce."

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." - Robert Frost

"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns."

"A lecturer is someone who talks in someone else's sleep."

"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right." - Thomas Paine

"A lot of good things have come out of dreaming." - Arthur Miller

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." - Garrison Keillor

"A machine has value only as it produces more than it consumes - so check your value to the community." - Martin H Fischer

"A man spoke at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her gravestone from the beginning to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth, and then the year she died, but he said that what mattered most of all was the dash between those years, 1900-1970.
That dash represented all the time she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her knew what that little line was worth.
For it matters not how much we own: the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters most is how we live and love and how we spend our dash."

"A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it."

"A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking."

"A mighty oak is the result of a nut that held its ground."

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"A mother holds her children's hands for a while ... their hearts forever."

"A nation which tries to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself by the handle." - Winston Churchill

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other."

"A pat on the back accomplishes more than a slap on the face."

"A penny saved is ridiculous."

"A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"A person is not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams."

"A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person." - Dave Barry

"A person who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame."

"A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better."

"A politician is someone who will double cross that bridge when they come to it."

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." - Herm Albright

"A promise is one thing, but performance is another thing."

"A remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he is really very good in spite of all the people who say he is very good." - Robert Graves

"A river is powerful because many drops of water have learned the secret of co-operation."

"A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."

"A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name." - Evan Esar

"A single moment of understanding can flood a whole life with meaning."

"A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may never get over." - Benjamin Franklin

"A smooth sea never made a skilful mariner." - English proverb

"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."

"A stumble may prevent a fall." - English proverb

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man." - Lana Turner

"A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station ..."

"A truly great person is the one who gives you a chance." - Paul Duffy

"A well-beaten path is not necessarily the right way."

"A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need all the advice." - Bill Cosby

"A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tyres."

"Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."

"Accept the circumstances, then seek to overcome them."

"Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest."

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, it makes you wonder about history."

"Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question."

"All generalisations are false, including this one."

"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."

"All perfect marriages are made up of couples who accept the fact that they have an imperfect marriage."

"All power corrupts. Absolute power would be kinda neat."

"All that you do, do with all your might. Things done by half are never quite right."

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

"Alter your attitude and you can alter your life."

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of someone else."

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other." - Abraham Lincoln

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry." - Bill Cosby

"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." - Oscar Wilde

"Always give more than what's expected." - Donald Trump

"Always put off until tomorrow what you should not do at all."

"Always remember that you are unique - just like everyone else is."

"Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!"

"Always try to stop talking before people stop listening."

"An editor is a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed." - Elbert Hubbard

"An ego trip is something that never gets you anywhere." - Suzan Wiener

"An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before." - Mark Twain

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."

"An important thing about time is that you cannot stop it. There is no way to slow it down, turn it off, or adjust it. Time marches on."

"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured."

"An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'"

"Animal testing really is a bad idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

"Any fool can criticise, condemn, and complain - and most fools do." - Dale Carnegie

"Any fool can know. The point is to understand." - Albert Einstein

"Any time you think you have influence, try ordering around someone else's dog."

"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man try to wrap a Christmas present."

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."

"Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about."

"Apparently one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"Appearances are not everything. It just looks like they are."

"Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead."

"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it." - Sam Ewing

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder." - John Glenn

"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."

"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point your way."

"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood." - Cal Thomas

"Bad losers make worse winners."

"Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble." - Frank Tyger

"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbours, and let each new year find you a better man." - Benjamin Franklin

"Be kind, even if it kills you."

"Be kind to the unkind - they need it the most."

"Be pleasant until ten o'clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself." - Elbert Hubbard

"Be what you wish others to become."

"Be yourself. Nobody is better qualified."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." - Miss Piggy

"Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on."

"Before criticising your wife's faults, remember that they may have prevented her from getting a better husband."

"Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish." - Albert Einstein

"Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

"Being quiet is fine because most people don't listen anyway."

"Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness." - Chinese proverb

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest."

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."

"Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back."

"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute." - George Bernard Shaw

"Build a man a fire and he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life."

"By the time you find greener pastures you can't climb the fence."

Cat's motto: "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Character builds slowly, but it can be torn down with incredible swiftness." - Faith Baldwin

"Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are."

"Character is what you are when no-one is watching."

"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."

"Children are creatures who disgrace you by showing in public the example you set for them at home."

"Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners."

"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."

"Children who watch too much television go down in history - not to mention geography, maths and English."

"Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence."

"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."

"Christmas is about a baby, born in a stable, who changed the world forever." - John Maxwell

"Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone." - Charles Schulz

"Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and a nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts." - Lenora Mattingly Weber

"Christmas is most truly Christmas when we celebrate it by giving the light of love to those who need it most." - Ruth Carter Stapleton

"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." - Calvin Coolidge (30th President of the United States)

"Christmas is not just a day, an event to be observed and speedily forgotten. It is an event which should permeate every part of our lives." - William Parks

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the drive before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller

"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." - Abraham Lincoln

"Conscience is that still, small voice that tells you you're going to get caught."

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." - Jacob M Braude

"Consumers are statistics; customers are people."

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realisation of how much you have already."

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

"Count that day lost in which you have not tried to do something for someone else."

"Count your blessings - your critics are keeping count of your mistakes."

"Creditors have much better memories than debtors."

Crime report: "Police station toilet stolen ... the police have nothing to go on."

Dear Inland Revenue: "I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list."

"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"

"Determine that a thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Did you know that by reading this line you have wasted 4 seconds of your life?"

"Did you know that 5 out of 4 college students don't know their fractions?"

"Dieting is for people who are thick and tired of it."

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

"Do not pray for challenges equal to your strength ... but for strength equal to your challenges."

"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead." - Chinese Proverb

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."

"Do the right thing - you will please some people and astonish the rest."

"Do unto others as if you were the others."

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticised anyway." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Dogs are lousy poker players. When they get a good hand they wag their tails."

"Dogs have masters. Cats have staff."

"Doing things by halves may be worthless because it may be the other half that counts."

"Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions - they're easier to handle than dumb mistakes."

"Don't be angry with people who are smarter than you - it isn't their fault."

"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." - Golda Meir

"Don't complain about growing old - some do not have the privilege."

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

"Don't feel useless - you can always be used as a bad example."

"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and you just end up walking funny." - Kathryn Carpenter

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

"Don't judge those who try and fail, judge those who fail to try."

"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation." - Kim Hubbard

"Don't open a shop unless you know how to smile." - Jewish proverb

"Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective."

"Don't wait for something to turn up. Get busy and turn it up yourself."

"Don't worry about moving slowly, worry about standing still." - Chinese proverb

"Don't worry about temptation. As you grow older it starts avoiding you."

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."

"Drive carefully these holidays. Remember it's not only a car that can be recalled by its maker."

"Due to recent cutbacks, and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off."

"Dying is easy, living is hard."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead."

"Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day."

"Education is what you have left over when you subtract what you have forgotten from what you have learned."

"Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence."

"Enthusiasm is the spark that puts enjoyment into our lives."

"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does." - Al Bernstein

"Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days that I've stayed alive."

"Every individual has a place to fill in the world and is important in some respect whether he chooses to be so or not." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes."

"Everybody has the ability to make someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."

"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."

"Everyone eventually stops smoking. Those who smoke heaviest stop earliest." - Pat McGrady

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."

"Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner."

"Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking."

"Everyone who has ever taken a shower has had an idea. It's the person who gets out of the shower, dries off, and does something about it that makes the difference." - Nolan Bushnell

"Everything's okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." - Carolyn Myers

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again."

"Experience: what you get just after you need it."

"Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage." - Confucius

"Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." - Henry Ford

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese proverb

"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." - Louisa May Alcott

"Fate chooses your relations. You choose your friends." - Jacques Delille

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Arthur Ward

"Few people have the virtue to withstand the highest bidder." - George Washington

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." - Mark Twain

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

"Four things come not back: the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life and the neglected opportunity." - Arabian proverb

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it." - Katherine Whitehorn

"Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses."

"Get the facts first - you can distort them later."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!"

"Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks."

"God created the world. Everything else is made in China."

"God gives every bird its food, but does not throw it into the nest."

"God put me on this earth to achieve a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die."

"God's visit to earth took place in an animal shelter with no attendants present and nowhere to lay the newborn king but a feed trough. For just an instant the sky grew luminous with angels, yet who saw the spectacle? Illiterate hirelings who watched the flocks of others, 'nobodies' who failed to leave their names." - Philip Yancy

"Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement."

"Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids."

"Great people show their greatness by the way they treat insignificant people."

"Greatness isn't measured by how many servants we have, but by how many people we serve."

"Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it." - J Petit Senn

"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got." - Garth Brooks

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true."

"Happy, happy Christmas that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!" - Charles Dickens

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"Hardening of the heart ages people more quickly than hardening of the arteries."

"Have more dreams than reality can destroy."

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." - Salvador Dali

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anybody going faster than you is a maniac."

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"He chooses his own suits, but his wife picks his pockets."

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool." - F M Knowles

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree." - Roy L Smith

"He who never made a mistake never made a discovery."

"Health is merely the slowest possible way at which one can die."

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

"Hear, and you forget; see, and you remember; do, and you understand."

"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil - and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid." - Phil Pastoret

"Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them." - Leo Tolstoy

"History is the version of events that people have decided to agree on." - Napoleon Bonaparte

"Home is a place where teenagers go to refuel."

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence."

"Honour thy father but ask thy mother."

"House Guarded by Shotgun 3 Days a Week. Guess Which Days."

"Housework can't kill you but why take a chance?" - Phyllis Diller

"How can you expect the unexpected if the unexpected is expected to be unexpected?"

"How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?"

"How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

"How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on."

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." - Douglas Adams

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb

"I always dreamed of being a millionaire like my uncle! He's dreaming too."

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it." - Pablo Picasso

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend ... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

And following that: "Cannot possibly attend first night. Will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply

"I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done." - Henry Ford

"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts." - Mark Twain

"I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live." - George Bernard Shaw

"I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Mark Twain

"I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them."

"I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." - Buzz Aldrin

"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."

"I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death." - seen on a t-shirt

"I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited." - Oscar Wilde

"I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves." - Ronald Reagan

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby

"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself."

"I don't need the internet. I find new web sites every time I dust."

"I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on." - Oscar Levant

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one." - Steven Wright

"I have enough money to last the rest of my life - unless I buy something."

"I have far more respect for the person with a single idea who gets there than for the person with a thousand ideas who does nothing." - Thomas Edison

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious." - Steven Wright

"I intend to live for ever. So far, so good."

"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."

I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans. A bloke phoned from his mobile and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come". I said, "Remain calm and stay on the line".

"I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there's purpose and worth to each and every life." - Ronald Reagan

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him." - Abraham Lincoln

"I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx

"I never let schooling interfere with my education." - Mark Twain

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." - Groucho Marx

"I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." - Woodrow Wilson

"I once prayed to God for a bike but quickly found out he didn't work that way ... so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness."

"I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I quote people to better express myself."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." - Douglas Adams

"I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised that people didn't like me anyway."

"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it."

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." - Shirley Temple

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman

"I truly believe that if we keep telling the Christmas story, singing the Christmas songs, and living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world." - Norman Vincent Peale

"I try to attack one day at a time ... but sometimes several days attack me at once."

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."

"I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees get bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me."

"I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." - Charles Dickens

"I wish the buck stopped here - I could use a few."

"I wish we could put some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month." - Harlan Miller

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm Going to be if I Grow Up.'" - Lenny Bruce

"I would be unstoppable ... if I could just get started."

"I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member." - Groucho Marx

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off sinking ships." - Gilda Radner

"I'm far from being poor. I'm even farther from being rich."

"I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood." - Tom Hanks

"I'm going to start thinking positively, but I know it won't work."

"I'm in shape. Unfortunately, it's the wrong one."

"I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait."

"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S Cobb

"I've missed 3000 shots. Twenty-six times the game-winning shot has been trusted to me, and I've missed. I've lost over 300 games. I've failed over and over and over again, and that is why I've succeeded." - Michael Jordan

"Ideas are like children - you own are wonderful."

"Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement."

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." - John Kenneth Galbraith

"If all the cars in New Zealand were lined up end to end, there'd still be someone who'd pull out to overtake."

"If all the difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all." - Dan Rather

"If at first you don't succeed blame someone else and seek counselling."

"If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions."

"If at first you don't succeed ... don't try skydiving!"

"If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?"

"If Captain Cook had turned back no-one would have blamed him. No-one would have remembered him either."

"If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?"

"If everybody thought before they spoke, the silence would be deafening." - George Barzan

"If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing."

"If God had meant us to touch our toes, He would have put them further up our bodies."

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

"If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

"If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid."

"If nothing ever changed there'd be no butterflies."

"If one advances confidently in the directions of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." - Henry David Thoreau

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"If the government gets up your nose, then picket."

"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."

"If there's anything I can't stand, it's people who talk while I'm interrupting."

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."

"If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true was really true, there would be little hope of advance." - Orville Wright

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"If we cannot do the good we would, we ought at least do the good we can."

"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astonish ourselves." - Thomas Edison

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." [Political quote]

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant. If we did not sometimes taste adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet

"If we quit voting, will they all go away?"

"If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit."

"If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right."

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - it's quite possible you haven't grasped the situation."

"If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts."

"If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?" - Shantideva

"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."

"If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side."

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."

"If you don't agree with me, it means you haven't been listening."

"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up some place else." - Yogi Berra

"If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense in making them."

"If you don't want people to jump down your throat, then keep your mouth closed."

"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself I would be happy to do it for you."

"If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." - Alan Simpson

"If you pray for rain, be sure to carry an umbrella."

"If you risk nothing, you risk everything." - Geena Davis

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

"If you think that something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."

"If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"If you want others to be happy, practise compassion. If you want to be happy, practise compassion." - the Dalai Lama

"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy."

"If you want to improve your memory, lend money to others."

"If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else." - Booker T Washington

"If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?"

"If you're not lighting any candles, don't complain about being in the dark."

"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

"Impossible things are simply those which so far have never been done." - Elbert Hubbard

"In all things, parents are their children's most eloquent teachers, whether they wish to be or not."

"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." - Theodore Roosevelt

"In case of fire, gather up as much paperwork as possible and run towards the flames."

"In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes."

"In life, as in a mirror, you never get more out than you put in."

"In the all-important world of family relations, three other words are almost as powerful as the famous 'I love you.' They are 'Maybe you're right.'" - Oren Arnold

"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

"In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock." - Thomas Jefferson

"In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice, then he made school boards." - Mark Twain

"Inside many an older person is a younger person wondering what in the world happened."

"Intaxication is the euphoria you feel at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with."

"INTEGRITY and WISDOM are the essential to the success of every business. What is INTEGRITY? When you promise a customer something, you keep that promise even if it costs you money. What is WISDOM? Don't make stupid promises."

"Integrity is doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching."

IRD: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

"Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant a little like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"It ain't those parts of the Bible I don't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand." - Mark Twain

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds, for the opportunity to rain on a tent." - Dave Barry

"It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar." - Jerome K Jerome

"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."

"It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them." - Mark Twain

"It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall."

"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

"It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air." - W T Ellis

"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help." - Judith Martin

"It is generally agreed that 'Hello' is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said 'Goodbye' it could confuse a lot of people." - Dolph Sharp

"It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."

"It is never too late to give up our prejudices." - Henry David Thoreau

"It is not possible to ski through a revolving door."

"It is not what you say that matters but the manner in which you say it; there lies the secret of the ages." - William Carlos Williams

"It is the purpose of government to shape the thinking of its constituents."
"It is the duty of government to be shaped by the thinking of its constituents."

"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." - John Andrew Holmes

"It isn't how high in life you go that counts, but how you got there."

"It isn't your position that makes you happy or unhappy. It is your disposition."

"It matters not whether you win or lose. What matters is whether I win or lose."

"It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away."

"It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow."

"It takes courage to stand up and be counted, but it takes more courage to keep standing."

"It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It's a great satisfaction knowing that for a brief point in time you made a difference."

"It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it."

"It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away."

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket."

"It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions."

"It's good to be clever, but not to show it."

"It's good to have things money can buy, but better to have things money can't buy."

"It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything!"

"It's hard to beat a person who never gives up." - Babe Ruth

"It's just a job. Birds fly, grass grows, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." - Muhammad Ali

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney

"It's no accident that 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'."

"It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are." - Roy Disney

"It's not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not."

"It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets." - Bob Hope

"It's the choices we make everyday that make us who we are."

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives."

"Just because a woman says she hasn't anything to wear, doesn't mean her husband can find a spare coathanger."

"Just remember that if it wasn't for gravity we'd all fall off."

"Just when you think you've hit bottom, somebody tosses you a shovel."

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

"Knowledge is realising that the street is one way; wisdom is looking both ways anyway."

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain

"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier."

"Laugh a lot, and when you are older all your wrinkles will be in the right places."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder."

"Laughing is good for your health. It's like jogging on the inside."

"Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life."

"Let everyone sweep in front of their door and the whole world will be clean." - Mother Teresa

"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years ... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart." - George Matthew Adams

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can." - Danny Kaye

"Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

"Life is full of complications. Even when you are born, there is a string attached."

"Life is like a camel. You can make it do anything except back up."

"Life is like an onion. You peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass ... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy - not with others, but with yourself."

"Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved." - Victor Hugo

"Live as though every day were your last - and someday you will be right."

"Live so that each day you will neither be afraid of tomorrow nor ashamed of yesterday."

"Living on earth may be expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun."

"Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."

"Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year." Chad Sugg

"Love your enemies. It makes them so darned mad." - P D East

"Make your mistakes work for you by learning from them." - Donald Trump

"Make yourself an honest individual, and then you will be sure there is one rogue less in the world."

"Making a great sacrifice nowadays means doing without something our parents never had."

"Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising."

"Many aspire to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity."

"Many great ideas have been lost because the people who had them couldn't stand being laughed at."

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas A. Edison

"Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since." - Dave Beard

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." - Joey Adams

"May today be better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow."

"Me - ambivalent? Well, yes and no."

"Measure a thousand times and cut once." - Turkish proverb

"Men know best about everything, except what women know better." - Mary Ann Evans (George Eliot)

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed." - Albert Einstein

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." - Sir Winston Churchill

"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope

"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."

"Money cannot buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle."

"Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of its tail." - Josh Billings

"Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing."

"Most people resist change, yet it is the only thing that brings progress."

"Mum, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky."

"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular." - Adlai E Stevenson Jr

"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope

"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."

"My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope." Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso." - Pablo Picasso

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"Never ask the barber if you need a haircut."

"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are." - Anonymous

"Never be afraid to try something new. An amateur built the ark that lasted forty days and forty nights; professionals built the Titanic that sank."

"Never criticise your wife's faults. It might have been those faults that stopped her from getting a better husband."

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead

"Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach."

"Never get in the way of a car that needs a lot of panelbeating."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."

"Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake."

"Never let the least you can do be the best that you do." - Rick Shonk

"Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have."

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

"Never stop striving, never stop learning, never stop teaching."

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."

"Never tell your mum her diet's not working."

"Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them." - Lou Holtz

"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."

"Never wait until tomorrow to hug someone you could hug today, because when you give one, you get one right back your way."

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." - Larry Wilde

"Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it."

"New Chinese diet: eat all you can, but use only one chopstick."

"No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted." - Aesop

"No matter what you do there will be critics."

"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more throughly than the one who's giving it."

"No one can help everybody, but everybody can help someone."

"No one [Jesus] ever deserved suffering less, yet received so much ... no one has ever had a greater right to retaliate, but used it less ... no one has ever borne so much injustice with so little vengeance." - John Piper

"No one ever says, 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning."

"No one ever stumbled onto anything worthwhile sitting down."

"No one is listening until you make a mistake."

"No one is rich enough to do without a neighbour."

"No one is too big to be courteous, but some are too small."

"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."

"None are so old as those who have outlived their enthusiasm."

"Nothing cures insomnia more than the realisation that it's time to get up."

"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."

"Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man."

"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done." - Sam Ewing

"Nothing limits achievement like small thinking, nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination." - William Arthur Ward

"Nothing makes a man so modest about his income as a tax form to fill out."

"Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits."

"Nothing will show more accurately what we are than the way in which we meet trials and difficulties."

"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." - Kim Hubbard

"Of course this is the season to be jolly, but it is also a good time to be thinking about those who aren't." - Helen Valentine

"Oh for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money."

On the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key."

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don't clean it up too quickly." - Andy Rooney

"Once again we come to the Christmas Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in our own way, by going to the mall of our choice."

"Once again we find ourselves emeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking place at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." - Dave Barry

"Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall."

"One advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier."

"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people."

"One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child." - Randall Jarrell

"One person with a belief is equal to a force of 99 who have only interests."

"One way to curb delinquency is to take the parents off the streets at night."

"Only dead fish go with the flow."

"Only he who can see the invisible can do the impossible." - Frank L Gaines

"Only painters and lawyers can change white to black."

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T S Eliot

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

"Only your real friends tell you when your face is dirty."

"Optimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass."

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius

"Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time." - Laura Ingalls Wilder

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King Jr

"Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal." - John F Kennedy

"Our most recent poll showed that 90% of the people are not interested in the opinions of others."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas."

"Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it."

"People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing." - Dale Carnegie

"People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile."

"People who live beyond their means should be given a lot of credit."

"People who never do any more than they are paid for never get paid for any more than they do."

"People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it."

"People who snore always fall asleep first."

"People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do."

"People who wait until they feel like doing a job rarely do."

"People who wake up and find success have not been asleep."

"People with many interests live, not only longest, but happiest." - George Matthew Allen

"Perseverance is failing nine times and succeeding the tenth." - J Andrews

"Plan ahead - it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark."

"Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow."

"Politicians are the same the world over. They promise to build a bridge even when there's no river."

"Politicians, like diapers, need to be changed frequently - and for the very same reason."

"Procrastinate later."

"Procrastination is the greatest laboursaving invention of all time."

"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."

"Push will get a person almost anywhere - except through a door marked 'pull'."

"Quitters never win and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots."

"Rain is caused by high pressure areas, cold fronts, warm moist air, and weekends." - Paul Sweeney

"Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jelly to a tree."

"Reading while sunbathing can make you well red."

"Real charity doesn't care whether it's tax deductible or not."

"Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring."

"Regret for things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney J Harris, writer

"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3000 are still in existence."

"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." - Dale Carnegie

"Remember your yesterdays, dream your tomorrows, and live your todays."

"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." - Eric Hoffer

"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them."

"Save the whales. Collect the whole set."

"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them." - H L Mencken

"School days can be the happiest of your life, provided your children are old enough to go."

"Seek not to be rich, but happy. The one lies in bags, the other in content, which wealth can never give." - William Penn, 1693

"She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off."

"Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds."

"Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else."

Sign on a gravestone: "I expected this but not just yet."

Sign on a tent at a country fair: "Tattoos done while you wait!"

"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone."

"Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word." - Charles de Gaulle

"Since you cannot have all you want, make your life happy by wanting what you have."

"Sit and watch a puppy for an afternoon. In that short time, you'll discover the joys of life."

"Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with."

"So live that you would not be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers." - Daniel J Boorstin

"Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."

"Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment." - Anonymous

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

"Someone who thinks logically provides a pleasant contrast to the real world."

"Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s."

"Smiles are great investments: the more you collect, the better you feel."

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and then realise you haven't fallen asleep yet."

"Strive to be the person your dog thinks you are."

"Success usually occurs in private but failure in full view."

"Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure." - Michael Levine

"Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have."

"Tact is telling a man he's open minded when he has a hole in his head."

"Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash." - George S Patton

"Take interest in the future - that's where you will spend the rest of your days."

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults."

"Television enables one to be entertained in one's home by people one wouldn't welcome into one's home."

"Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand." - Chinese proverb

"Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it."

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

"The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier."

"The ageing process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball." - Doug Larson

"The amount of sleep required by an average person is just ten minutes more."

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see better than he can think."

"The bad news is that time flies. The good news is that you're the pilot."

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." - Burton Hills

"The best thing about the future is that it comes only a day at a time."

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."

"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else."

"The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tyres."

"The best way to teach character is to have it around the house."

"The biggest problem with atheism is that it has no future."

"The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out a traffic jam."

"The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg."

"The clearer your vision of what you seek, the closer you are to finding it."

"The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before." - Bill Gates

"The difference between a taxidermist and the taxman is that the taxidermist takes only your skin."

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap."

"The early fish gets hooked by the same thing the early bird gets credit for."

"The easiest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket."

"The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement."

"The fastest way to become an old dog is to stop learning new tricks."

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."

"The first thing you should do when you get up is read the obituaries. You never know when you'll see a name that will just make your day." - Ed Salisbury

"The grammarian was never late. He was always very punctual."

"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."

"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it." - Moliere

"The greatest power a person has is the power to choose."

"The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."

"The hardest things to achieve in life are always the most difficult to attain, but also the most worthwhile."

"The history of every country begins in the heart of a man or woman."

"The human brain starts working before you are even born and never stops until the moment you stand up to speak in public."

"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning ... never lose a holy curiosity." - Albert Einstein

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries." - Winston Churchill

The joys of being a parent: When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

"The key to happiness is having dreams. The key to success is making your dreams come true."

"The law of hereditary is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."

"The main accomplishment of almost all organised protests is to annoy people who are not in them."

"The moment you have children, you forgive your parents everything."

"The moon could never do its work if it paid attention to all the dogs that barked at it."

"The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."

"The most important things in life are not things."

"The next time you feel the urge to procrastinate - just put it off."

"The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does."

"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything."

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."

"The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog." - George Graham Vest

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers."

"The only people who listen to both sides of the argument are the neighbours."

"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."

"The only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind us." - Tyrone Hayes

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook." - Julia Child

"The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible." - Arthur C Clarke

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." - Mark Twain

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist fears this is true."

"The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole."

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill

"The politician's promises of yesterday are the taxes of today." - Mackenzie King

"The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

"The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right." - Mark Twain

The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."

"The real secret of success is enthusiasm." - Walter Chrysler, entrepreneur

"The real voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy."

"The recession won't be over till we raise a generation that knows how to live on what they've got."

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances." - Robert Flatt

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places."

"The secret of financial success is to spend what you have left after saving, instead of saving what is left after spending."

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - Groucho Marx

"The secret to happiness is not in doing what one likes to do, but in liking what one has to do."

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."

"The test of courage comes when you are in the minority; the test of tolerance when you are in the majority."

"The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first."

"The tomb of Christ is famous because of what it does not contain."

"The trick is to stop thinking it's your money." - IRD auditor (or the current Minister of Finance?)

"The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it."

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin

"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." - Quentin Crisp

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realise you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back." - Franklin Jones

"The trouble with some people is they don't admit their faults. I would, if I had any."

"The trouble with work is ... it's so daily."

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Ann Landers

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." - Bill Cosby

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney

"The way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." - Mark Twain

"The whole secret to a successful life is to find out what it is one's destiny to do, and then do it." - Henry Ford

"The wise man doesn't expect to find life worth living - he makes it that way."

"The worst thing about growing old is having to listen to your children's advice."

"The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened."

"There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true." - Winston Churchill

"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own."

"There are just two rules for success:
1. Never tell all you know."

"There are only two things children will share willingly - communicable diseases and their mother's age." - Benjamin Spock

"There are three kinds of people - those who can count and those who can't."

"There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works."

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." - Henry Kissinger

"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable." - Mark Twain

"There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."

"There is a fine line between 'avid interest' and 'mental illness'."

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"There is always something to do. Boredom is just a word lazy people use to describe their lack of interest in life." - Amy Kleer

"There is nothing worse than being a doer with nothing to do." - Elizabeth Layton

"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." - James Truslow Adams

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

"There's no happier moment in life than to awake Christmas morning and be a child."

"There's nothing in your life you can't learn from, if you respond with the right attitude." - Rick Warren

"These are the good old days we shall be longing for a few years from now."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." [Political quote]

"They are ill discoverers who think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea." - Sir Francis Bacon

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." - Garrison Kielor

"The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another." - Quentin Crisp

"Things turn out best for those who make the most of the way things turn out."

"Those that are victorious write history, those that are defeated read it." - Alex Suber

"Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine."

"Those who smile when no one is around, mean it."

"Three key essentials to happiness: something to do, something to love, something to hope for."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."

"Time's fun when you're having flies." - Kermit the Frog

"Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."

"Tis not knowing much, but what is useful, that makes a wise man." - Thomas Fuller

"To a brave man, good and bad luck are like his left and right hand. He uses both." - St Catherine of Siena

"To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe." - Marilyn vos Savant

"To appreciate heaven well, it is good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell."

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard

"To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."

"To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer."

"To save money on electricity, we've turned off the light at the end of the tunnel."

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone." - Reba McEntire

"Today is the last day of your life, so far."

"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis or cutting hair."

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."

"Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert H Schuller

"Train your child in the way in which you know you should have gone yourself."

"Travel, instead of broadening the mind, often merely lengthens the conversation." - Elizabeth Drew

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do ... Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

"Truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." - Flannery O'Connor

"Try not to become a man of success, but rather to become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

"Two things are bad for the heart: running up stairs and running down people." - Bernard M Baruch

"Ultimately magic finds you, if you let it." - Tony Wheeler

"Unless you believe, you will not understand." - St Augustine

"Until we try, we don't know what we can't do."

"Use our easy credit plan - 100 per cent down, nothing to pay each month."

"Use your stumbling blocks as stepping stones."

"Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'Your guess is as good as mine!'"

"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."

"We all admire the wisdom of people who ask us for advice."

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle

"We can learn a lot from trees: they're always grounded but never stop reaching heavenward." - Everett Mamor

"We can never profit from our mistakes as long as we blame others for them."

"We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing."

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." - M Facklam

"We learn not from our experiences, but from intelligent reflection on those experiences."

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your place faster than the police."

"We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give."

"We may disagree, but let's not be disagreeable."

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." - Martin Luther King Jr

"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery." - H G Wells

"Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!"

"What a good thing Adam had. When he said something clever he knew that nobody had said it before." - Mark Twain

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my handbag."

"What on earth will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do without?"

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" - Dr Robert Schuller

"When a child pays attention to what his parents say, they are probably whispering!"

"When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is."

"When all is said and done, more is said than done."

"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"When I am right - nobody remembers. When I am wrong - nobody forgets."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

"When I got home last night my wife asked if I'd take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a petrol station."

When I see an old lady slip and fall on the footpath my first instinct is to laugh. But then I say to myself, "What if there was an ant on the footpath and she fell on it?" Makes you think.

"When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?"

"When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing."

"When it comes to money, always be sure to act your wage."

"When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." - Erma Bombeck

"When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us." - Helen Keller

"When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking." - Michael Patrick King

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." - Mark Twain

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler

"When you are completely satisfied, remember what happens to the fat turkey."

"When you cease to dream you cease to live." - Malcolm Forbes

"When you finally manage to make ends meet, someone moves the ends."

"When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience."

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." - Franklin D Roosevelt

"When you go to court, you're putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."

"When you're in it up to your ears, it pays to keep your mouth shut."

"Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter." - Bono

"Who bravely dares must sometimes risk a fall." - Tobias George Smollett

"Who puts those 'Thin Ice' signs out there?"

"Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years."

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not, then what was the purpose of the bath?

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

Why is it called 'after dark' when it is really 'after light'?

"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is." - Mark Twain

"Why wish for the privilege of living your life again? You begin a new one every morning."

"With proper diet, rest and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime."

"Within the covers of the Bible are all the answers for all the problems we face." - Ronald Reagan

"Without the human community one single human being cannot survive." - the Dalai Lama

"Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember."

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A Heinlein

"Women like silent men - they think they're listening."

"Work and save, young person, and some day you'll have enough to divide with those who don't."

"Worry never takes the sorrow out of tomorrow, it just saps today of its strength."

"Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right, even though no one else does it."

"You are in control of your life. Don't ever forget that. You are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made." - Barbara Hall

"You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot by force." - Publilius Syrus

"You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something." - H Jackson Brown Jr

"You can go a long way with a smile."

"You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." - Al Capone

"You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."

"You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can't make him think."

"You can live for many causes, but you can only die for one. Pick that one very carefully."

"You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it."

"You can take many paths to get to the same place." - old Apache saying

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans." - Ronald Reagan

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label." - Mark Twain

"You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it."

"You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich."

"You can't be late until you show up."

"You can't control the length of your life, but you can control its depth."

"You can't do much about your ancestors, but you can influence your descendants enormously."

"You can't measure a person's happiness by the amount of money they have. An individual with ten million dollars may be no happier than someone with nine million."

"You can't stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life."

"You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom."

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there."

"You don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker."

"You don't pay taxes. They take taxes."

"You get stuck with your debt if you can't budge it."

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill

"You have not really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you."

"You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor."

"You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers." - John J Plomp

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."

"You know you're in trouble when you go to a mind reader and she charges you half price."

"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."

"You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give."

"You make the beds, you do the dishes and one week later you have to start all over again."

"You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short term failure." - Charles C Noble

"You must speak up to be heard but sometimes you must shut up to be appreciated."

"You never get a second chance to make a good first impression."

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." - Olin Miller

"You should no more blame circumstances for your character than the mirror for your appearance."

"You should not confuse your career with your life."

"You want us to do WHAT?" - Ancient Chinese wall engineer

"You won't get to where you want to go if you only travel on sunny days."

"You're happiest while you're making the greatest contribution." - Robert F Kennedy

"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution."

"Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be."

"Your imagination is a preview to life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein

"Your secrets are safe with me ... and all my friends."

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came later in life." - Herbert Henry Asquith

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